Mia-mi Likee: Miami Beach

Thursday, March 7, 2013

CURRENTLY SEEKING REPLACEMENT

We are currently seeking a replacement for our best friend, Mike, who is moving to the Midwest because he is either geographically or climate-challenged and doesn’t realize that it’s March, and it’s cold everywhere else. We are hoping for a guy’s guy, someone who has never spent more than $7 for a pair of sunglasses yet occasionally says things like, “I’m just going to put this out there. I like to sew.” Or, “I can’t believe I lost in Battleship again. I’m pretty sure I had one less ship than my competitors. I have to stop drinking when I play board games.”

You must be available for biweekly “family dinners” and regularly offer to pay for McDonald’s ice cream. (For family dinners, you are usually expected to supply the cheese or garlic bread. When complimented on the aforementioned garlic bread, you will feign humility and deflect with a statement like, “Oh you like it? I just put that shit in the oven.” It’s spoken better than written, trust.) You should be on a first-name basis with Frandler at McDonalds and notice when the soft serve machine is creamier than usual. You will also usually drive to McDonalds and must be willing to risk your relationship with the corporation and order a milkshake for Laura Lee—half-chocolate and half-vanilla—if that is what she wants. (Disclaimer: Since discovering that the medium milkshake is 700+ calories, she has been ordering more of the cones.)

You must—must—laugh at our jokes. If laughing is impossible, a lip curl is acceptable, but your expression must reveal delight at being within earshot of our wit. Everything that Mary Beth says should be followed with an adoring look and a short but honey-sweet, “Oh, Mary.” When we cry that Mike has left us, you must put on Mickey Mouse ears and say something comforting, like, “We’ll always have Disney World.” Then you will put on a romantic comedy, call Mike on speakerphone, and spoon feed us ice cream.

If you are interested in filling this opening, please submit a cover letter stating your experience and the reasons you’d like to be considered. Please address why you think you need friends. Include four references, one joke, a list of current local friends in Miami (if this number exceeds five, you will automatically be disqualified) and three suggestions for movie nights. If anyone has ever described you as “creepy” or “clingy,” please close the window and move on to the next post.

We look forward to hearing from you and reviewing your submission. Thank you for your interest,

“Us” (Three tall, intelligent, creative women who all enjoy Mike’s company in different ways)

— with Mike Czabatorand 2 others at South Beach, Miami.

http://miami.craigslist.org/mdc/stp/3664181216.html